Sanjana Subramanian - Lilly Friend Project

Preliminary Questions

1. Where do you live?

flatbush

2. Are you crazy?

Yes No

3. Do you want more friends?

internet friends in-person friends both

Open Questions

1. Why are you filling out this questionnaire?

i recently quit my job at amazon to pursue my passions :). i design furniture & i’m working on launching a makerspace. i feel small often, but fall always feels like a season of growth for me. i have spent the last few months meeting interesting people & have found there is support everywhere, if i only look for it. this morning, i had coffee with someone i recently befriended who i now see as an example and advisor. he left to deliver a candlestick to a church, and i’m still in the coffee shop. your flyer asked me to PLEASE listen to your podcast—I could not refuse such a polite request. and so here i am

2. How many "close friends" (by close friends I mean people that you see more than twice a month if they live in the tri-state area or if they are a long-distance friend that you speak with at least twice a month) do you have?

i think nine or ten. which is a pleasant reminder!

3. It's Saturday morning! What time are you up and what do you want to do with the day?

my new apartment has a lot of natural light so i’m up at 9:30. i spend the morning with my partner, since they’re a chef and work 2pm-2am on saturdays. we watch stuff like love is blind, sometimes we play mario party. we make some chai together, i journal, do some chores, and perhaps get dinner in the evening with my friends.

4. Do you like to go to any kind of cultural experiences? What kind and how often?

i like art exhibits a lot, and try to visit in person whenever one comes across my radar (1x per month). i host trivia at my apartment once per month, and that has formed into a new culture. my close friend is a composer and i used to be a pianist, and once every few months i go to a small production. i love the ballet and try to see one show per season. i read a lot and love to watch movies (though i am NOT a film buff).

5. How do you feel about Amy Winehouse?

she’s a great singer and her art has a lasting legacy. i hope shes at peace.

6. "Uh oh! I'm experiencing a negative emotion"; what happens inside you? How do you deal with it?

bruh moment but we have to keep it pushing. i always say its important to be uncomfortable and do the thing anyways just…while feeling uncomfortable. many people have felt its appropriate to pass judgment on me or to outwardly express their distaste for me, and that has sometimes been hard. mostly i remind myself the people who have things to say are never people i deeply respect or seek to emulate. in punjab they say “the elephant walks and the dogs bark”.

7. How do you feel about school and teachers?

i was rly lucky to enjoy school growing up and to have access to resources that made me excited about exploration. i’ve therefore always been close to education, i teach classes all the time and am especially passionate about accessibility in STEM. a few of my friends are teachers. in high school, my calculus teacher called me a whore.

8. What is the most meaningful way to spend time?

introspecting, creating something, being vulnerable with friends.

9. What is your favorite law (if you do not have a favorite, what is one that you think of positively)?

hammurabis code is sooo cunt

10. What app on your phone (other than essentials) is your most used app?

ugh ive been playing gossip harbor which is a heavily advertised freemium merge sort game. i loveeee games on my phone. a great reset activity for me is playing such games while listening to an educational podcast.

11. What are you hoping to get from filling this out?

idk i have time to kill and these questions are well asked

Multiple-Choice Questions

1. If you had to choose one word to describe yourself, which one would you choose:

Scary Sporty Baby Ginger Posh

2. The worst month is:

January March July November I don't think about this way

3. Do you live to eat or eat to live?

Eat to live Live to eat I'm really not sure It's complicated.... 🙁 I'm uncomfortable by this question and prefer not to answer

4. How do you feel about August: Osage County:

Love that movie! Hate that play! I thought it was a moving and interesting depiction of the American family Merryl Streep was great(doi!) and I am indifferent/feel somewhat positive about it Don't know what that is

5. How often do you speak about your love life with your friends?

A lot Not that often Once every other time I feel it out and need to make sure I don't talk about it too much Everytime I see my best friends

6. Your biggest fear about getting older is:

Becoming irrelevant Running out of time My body falling apart Becoming boring I'm not afraid of getting older

7. Dogs wearing clothes are:

Adorable and necessary for their comfort Humiliating for the dog Fine for practical reasons only (rain, cold) A symptom of social rot Depends entirely on the dog's attitude about it

8. People who don't tip well:

Probably just don't understand how service industry works Are fundamentally bad people Might be going through something financially Should be banned from restaurants I don't judge people's tipping habits

9. Distance in relationships:

Is always a sign something is wrong Can actually strengthen the bond between people Should be avoided at all costs Is necessary for maintaining mystery Means someone isn't trying hard enough

10. The best way to end a text conversation is:

Just stop responding when it feels natural Say 'okay talk soon!' or similar Send a thumbs up emoji You don't end them, they just fade There is no good way

11. The phrase "it is what it is" is:

Zen wisdom Giving up disguised as acceptance Sometimes true, sometimes lazy The most annoying phrase in English Perfect for ending awkward conversations

12. When someone consistently disappoints you, you:

Keep giving them chances because that's what loyalty means Gradually distance yourself while remaining cordial Have a direct conversation about expectations Cut them off immediately - life's too short Use it as an opportunity to examine your own expectations

13. How do you feel about answering all these questions:

Annoyed - this was way too long Intrigued - I enjoyed thinking about these things Resentful - some of these felt invasive Excited to discuss my answers with someone Neutral - just another survey

14. If we met in person, what would you want to talk about first:

Something completely unrelated to this questionnaire Why you asked such weird questions The answers we disagreed on most Whatever comes up naturally in conversation I'd rather just see what happens

Essay Question

Please describe a friend breakup you have gone through. If you haven't gone through a friend breakup, please explain why you think you have never gone through a friend breakup. Outline a major friendship in your life and explain why it is successful.

i was 19 and covid put my first year of college online. lolo was blonde, an architect, silly, a little naive, and good at texting back. things progressed very quickly—we spent a lot of time together, we were in the same housing group. i was sleeping with this mildly esoteric guy i had a crush on and she was going on painful, saccharine dates with a very insufferable writer. i taught her how to do a smoky eye and wear hair gel. we went to an open mic every wednesday at midnight. everyone said we were best friends except her—she said her best friend was her sweet, more granola, white roommate with dirty blonde hair. in november, my parents moved to the city lolo grew up in. we watched house hunters on my couch and planned my birthday trip to miami. she invited me to dinner with her high school friends. but then, i went to dinner, and all her high school friends were not only white but blonde. the one brunette was the girl she claimed she just “wasn’t as close with”. i am indian. february came around, and lolo hadn’t booked her flight to miami. i asked why and she told me four days before that she just couldnt go. she didnt go to my alternative birthday party because she had an obligation to ski. she didnt make plans as often, she started hanging out with yet another blonde girl. meanwhile, my roommate and our neighbor were always cuddling in my rommate’s bed. they were both dating other people. they also wouldnt wear masks around me when they had covid, and at the time i was immunocompromised. i complained to lolo about it at some point. i told her i loved her, i didnt want to resent her, if only she could work with me and let me know if something is wrong because i was feeling left behind. she said i had talked shit about my roommate and she didnt like it. so thats why she went to miami with someone else over spring break and didnt tell me about it but posted on instagram. we stopped speaking. sometimes i would text her a book i thought she’d like. years later, i reconnected with our old mutual friends ben and daniel. ben and i started dating—lolo and her sister didnt approve. i found out there was a wider circle of ten or so girls who had been discussing me, spreading rumors about me, for two years after lolo and i stopped speaking. two of these girls told ben they should watch out for me, that i was bad news. ben told me about it while we showered together. i didnt always know if i could trust daniel, i associated him so much with lolo and knew he had a hard time letting people go. but we spent a year together, and eventually ben, daniel, and i moved in. daniel listened to me cry and complain about various things, and i could see he understood me. i told him what happened between lolo and i, and he took me seriously enough that he stopped texting lolo back as much. when she asked him how i was, he didnt answer. he and i have talked about love, music, friendship, and vulnerability. it was difficult in many ways to let him back into my life post-lolo, but it was very worth it. he started dating a girl i really like who quickly became my close friend. my friendship with daniel isn’t that storied or complicated. it feels simple and normal and honest. i like that.